What’s in a deadname?

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose / By any other name would smell as sweet”, is a quote from Juliet in the Bard’s play Romeo & Juliet. In this quote Juliet implies that the beauty of her lover comes not from his title or his name but rather his nature. The quote makes the argument that names do not matter but rather the person does. But names do matter, and nobody knows this more than trans people.

Deadnaming is a term trans people use to refer to the name they were given at birth. The use of ‘dead’ in the terminology may seem strong, but this reflects the feelings many trans people have to their old identities. Cis people often ask why terms like ‘birth name’, ‘chosen name’ or ‘old name’ are not utilized. But when cis people ask this question, they often lack the context and pain behind ones deadname.

I never technically came out as trans to my family. Instead, I was confronted by my parents on the changes that were happening to my body. At that point I had been on hormones for 4 months and had some obvious physical changes going on. Having my parents ask me why their son had tits was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. At the time I wrote down all the hurtful things that they said to me. One quote from my mother stands out, “You will never be my daughter, you will always be DEADNAME to me.”

In the trans community there is an infamous statistic, a number used to scare and discriminate against trans people: 41%. This is the percentage of trans people who have attempted suicide at some point in their lives. This number is used by bigots as proof that trans people are mentally unwell, that there is no reason to transition, and used to scare young trans people and their families. On the internet the use of 41% is often referenced to show the futility in transitioning, when there is a huge chance trans people will end up trying to end their lives. My own Mother once brought up this statistic as proof that my identity is a delusion.

There is less discussion however about the origins of this statistic. Forty-one percent come from a 2016 USA report titled the “National Transgender Discrimination Survey” (NTDS). The NTDS and its findings are often used in bad faith and few people seem to have read the report. The 41% is accurate, but the report also shows that the use of trans people’s chosen name by their family drops this number to 32%. Terrifyingly, in participants who did not have acceptance from their family over half had committed suicide. Forty-one percent does not represent the true nature of being trans, but rather is a reflection of a society that does not treat trans people as human beings.

The use of chosen names is often taken for granted by cis people and having to use a name is seen as an inconvenient pleasantry. I have been fortunate enough to have the legal and financial means to change my name. My workplace is kind enough to never bring up my deadname. Privilege is something that many people struggle to talk about, but I know I have it. Some of my best friends must work under their deadnames at jobs where they are mistreated or harassed for being trans. Several women I know have been refused employment or met with violence when their deadname is mentioned. Using a trans person’s deadname is a matter of safety.

One of the greatest kindnesses I have ever been shown was when I started working. At the time I was early in my transition both legally and physically. I looked strange and my deadname was on all my employment forms. But I had introduced myself with my real name and that was all they used. My email, my colleagues, my work ID, everything, and everyone at work referred to me by my name and as a woman. This was a huge moment for me. It proved to me that I could be myself, and that I could expect people to use my real name. To this day nobody at work has ever used my deadname and my identity as a trans woman has never been brought up.

But my deadname is still a constant source of torment for me. To this day, 2 years after coming out, my family still often uses my deadname. My mother in particular uses it when we fight; she uses it because she knows it hurts me. I know it takes time to learn a new name. But given how important my name is to me 2 years seems unfair. My family tries their best; but they will never understand what being trans is like.

Being trans is amazing and wonderful, but it is a double-sided coin with an underbelly of violence and discrimination. Almost all the trans people i know, myself included, have struggled with substance abuse, depression, and suicide attempts; I have been harassed for being who I am, I have lost friends for being who I am, and I have faced violence for being who I am. So, is it really that hard to use my real name?

When a trans person refers to their deadname, know that it is called a DEADname for a reason. I ask again, what’s in a name? Life is in my name, and my name is Kaylee Vera.

Bibliography

Grant, Jaime, Keisling, Mara, Harrison, Jack, Mottet, Lisa, Herman, Jody, and Tanis, Justin. Injustice at Every Turn: A Report of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey. International Governmental and Non-Governmental Reports and Policy Studies Related to LGBTQ Issues, Activism and Health, 2011.

Shakespeare, William, and Alan Durband. Romeo and Juliet. Hauppage, NY: Barron’s, 1985. Print.